My Rule of Six Follow Up

Bet you thought I forgot all about My Personal Rule of Six, didn't you. (I'm sure my blog posts from months ago are at the forefront of your mind, LOL) Well, you'd be mostly right. :-P I think the process of thinking it through was cathartic and useful. Have I kept them on my mind daily? No, far from it. But I have been trying my best to apply them anyway. I thought I would bring them up again, not only to discuss my progress (or lack thereof) but to simply remind myself how important they are. Here are the bullet points:

• Only for today, I will act with the authority over my children that God placed in me as their mother.



• Only for today, I will react with good humor in all but the most dire of situations.



• Only for today, I will pro-act, and head off trouble before it starts: I will maintain our routines as much as possible and guard against the two evils of hastiness and indecision.



• Only for today, I will appear self-confident in my dealings with the children: I will maintain a smile on my face, a twinkle in my eye, an "easy grace and an erect carriage, as the Spanish peasant bears her water-jar."



• Only for today, I will have confidence in my children's academic and behavioral abilities; which I will gain knowledge of through thoughtful observation.



• Only for today I will think of the matter at hand in the present moment, without trying to solve the future's problems or wish away the past.

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My Rule of Six Bullet Point Wrap Up

My Personal Rule of Six:

~Only for today, I will act with the authority over my children that God placed in me as their mother.

~Only for today, I will react with good humor in all but the most dire of situations.

~Only for today, I will pro-act, and head off trouble before it starts: I will maintain our routines as much as possible and guard against the two evils of hastiness and indecision.

~Only for today, I will appear self-confident in my dealings with the children: I will maintain a smile on my face, a twinkle in my eye, an "easy grace and an erect carriage, as the Spanish peasant bears her water-jar."

~Only for today, I will have confidence in my children's academic and behavioral abilities; which I will gain knowledge of through thoughtful observation

~Only for today I will think of the matter at hand in the present moment, without trying to solve the future's problems or wish away the past.

The Bullet Points:

Step 1:
* stop "losing it" as often

* draw the line between children being sinful and simply annoying me

* be more of a gentle leader using routines

* for now, don't let a child chose "C" when the choices were "A" and "B", no matter how convincing

Step 2:
* trust God can make up for my weaknesses

* see the children as "silly little people" (aka "childish") instead of the all-powerful larger-than-life crazy-makers they've gotten to be in my mind. Basically, elevating MYSELF into the proper position of age and authority

*approach things with humor: smiles, songs, rhymes - try to see the humor before doing anything else

*defining "dire situation" - when *is* it OK that I show my anger

Step 3:
*I will try to develop and maintain stricter routines despite Jeffrey's ever changing needs.

*I will try to keep the younger two girls happy and productive by guiding them to new activities before they've had a chance to get bored and snappy with what they're doing.

*I'm not sure how yet, but I will try to incorporate beauty, rhythm, and meaning into our routines/schedule. I think we all desperately need a certain calmness and healing to pervade our days.

Step 4:
*Work on my core muscles (anyone got a motivation pill I can take?)

*Continue to smile more.

*Use "uh oh" with my 3yo more; think of something calmly similar for my older kids - something easy that I can do without thinking, to circumvent my first impulse, which is to get grumbly. (Found something on "strong sitting" - I need to write more about that)

*Continue to work on my personal issues that make me lack self-esteem.

*Figure out how to not feel frantic when more than one person needs me, especially when one of them is being disobedient.

Step 5:
*Build some observation time for EACH child into my routine. I tend to be guilty of lumping them all together, but that really doesn't work when you need to observe their individual needs!

*Find some kind of observation form to help my scattered mind (any suggestions, readers? I think with a form I'll better understand what I'm supposed to be looking for!).

*Not expecting the worst. Treating each moment as fresh and new, not "typical of this child" so that I don't punish for the sins of the past.

Step 6:
* take a second to step back in each situation, see the need, and try to solve it, instead of worrying that they'll "never act any better" or thinking "they are *always* this way! ARG!"


Cover ALL steps with prayer.

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My Personal Rule of Six - Step Six

The Finale.

Only for today I will think of the matter at hand in the present moment, without trying to solve the future's problems or wish away the past.

At the risk of jinxing myself yet again, I'm going to say it here: I am not too bad at this one.

In general, I keep with today. I definitely *don't* dream into the future very much. In many ways it's a good thing: I'm not as disappointed when things don't turn out as one might have hoped, because I didn't do things like imagining my oldest becoming a ballerina or my second born growing up and going off to college. I don't have the loss of the dreams, because I didn't have any. Maybe I'm just hard hearted, but I think it has helped me A) deal with four very early miscarriages, and B) deal with my adoption (maybe I'm in denial *because* of the losses caused by adoption, LOL, but if you ever read my adoption blog you'll see I can blame everything from my headache to a hurricane in the Southeast on my adoption, LOL!). I don't link to that blog here for privacy reasons, but if you'd like to read it I can send you the link.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: staying in the moment. My one big weakness in this area is tending to expect the same behavior that certain children are notorious for. I will lump every bad thing they did this week into a larger problem in my mind instead of focusing on each individual infraction. For example my 3yo little spitfire could be trouble one day because she's hungry, another day because she's tired, and the third day because she's bored, but by day 4 I'm just "on her" about everything, thinking "she's horrible!" when if I could just take *that moment* and deal with *that moment* I could probably figure out the need and help her solve it. This goes back to some other Rule of Six steps, especially Step Five.

So my bullet point list for this step is short and sweet:
* take a second to step back in each situation, see the need, and try to solve it, instead of worrying that they'll "never act any better" or thinking "they are *always* this way! ARG!"

*****
Despite the fact that I've done a ton of difficult soul baring in the past week or so, I have enjoyed this series. I feel like I have the beginnings of a real plan and can already see some progress as I make miniscule changes around here (i.e. one one little thing or another when it pops into my mind). I think I might put all my bullet points together in one post or sheet to print out so I know where to focus my energies. Hopefully I'll actually have some progress to account for in the not too distant future, but if life is anything like it's been in the last 10 years, now that I have a plan and things are starting to look a teeny bit managable, something major will happen like a sick pregnancy, a big move, or any number of unmentionable difficulties!

Well, hmmmm, I don't want to end on THAT note but the baby is up and I can't think of anything else to say. Just think of happy things! ;-)

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My Personal Rule of Six - Step 5

Only for today, I will have confidence in my children's academic and behavioral abilities; which I will gain knowledge of through thoughtful observation.

If there's anything I've learned from my days of reading Maria Montessori, it's about the importance of observing our children -- standing back and really *seeing* what they are doing and why.

Not that I do it half often enough.

I also tend to expect the worst when that is typical behavior of said child. I jump to conclusions, "Oh that eyeroll is going to turn in to a full blown argument, I just know it!" or "How many times do I need to tell her the same thing, she NEVER listens or remembers!"

Realistic I must be, however, since there are true special needs to deal with. None severe, but they need some accomodating just the same.

Here are my bullet points for this step:

*Build some observation time for EACH child into my routine. I tend to be guilty of lumping them all together, but that really doesn't work when you need to observe their individual needs!

*Find some kind of observation form to help my scattered mind (any suggestions, readers? I think with a form I'll better understand what I'm supposed to be looking for!).

*Not expecting the worst. Treating each moment as fresh and new, not "typical of this child" so that I don't punish for the sins of the past.

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My Personal Rule of Six - Step 4

Only for today, I will appear self-confident in my dealings with the children: I will maintain a smile on my face, a twinkle in my eye, an "easy grace and an erect carriage, as the Spanish peasant bears her water-jar."

Ah, to be as graceful and stately as a Spanish peasant with a water jar, LOL. Maybe I should carry a bucket of water around on my head or shoulder to improve my posture. ;-)

I do have poor posture. I need to work on my core muscles again. My favorite workout was always from this book: The Core Program by Peggy Brill. Simple, quick, effective - if you do it! LOL Pregnancy and then nursing (think large milk producers on a small frame) always throw me out of whack for awhile. So I'm slouching. Where's my water jar??

And the smile. I am actually doing better than I used to, but my kids need more smiles from me. I think I get lost in my own thoughts too often and then when I'm addressing someone I'm still more of a blank face or scowl than I intend! My family means more to me than anything, I should show it! So I've been making an effort to smile at my kids and hug them for no reason - well, I always did that, but I'm doing it more now.

This step necessitates me to realize that I'm BIG and my children are LITTLE, not all-powerful-out-to-get-me aliens like in the other step (2?) discussed a few days ago. I've been thinking about this the last few days, and there are really only two of my children who I think this about (that they are more powerful than they are) - and those would be the two that have VERY different personalities than I do. I'm shy, retiring, sensitive (very sensitive) -- and these two kids are loud, outgoing, in your face. They are the kind of people I always tried to avoid growing up, honestly! Because that type of person really scared me: the type that didn't really care WHAT you thought or wanted because THEY wanted something else and THEY were going to get it. Even if they were fun about it, too much in your face loudness and flamboyance just made me want to Get Away. So I'm struggling right now with that.

I guess I need to realize that even if they are in-your-face kids, I need to very GENTLY mold them to use that appropriately. I don't want to change them completely, just help them use their powers for good and not evil. :) If *I* start getting loud or in-your-face to counter that, what in the world am I teaching them?? Exactly the opposite of what I want them to do. Ugh.

One thing I loved from the Love and Logic series of books was the "Uh oh" song - when your small children are misbehaving, you don't get loud and match their obnoxiousness, you simply smile and say kind of sing-songy, "Uh oh! Looks like you earned yourself a little room/chair/timeout time!" (insert whatever your family does as a cool-down spot if you use that). I've been trying this when I remember, and it's very effective for my 3yo. I don't get upset, I model good behavior, and she goes to a time out. SHE hates the uh oh song, "MOMMMMM...DON'T say UH OH!" but it gives me a routine that keeps me from getting at all upset (when I remember to use it, that is!) because it's sing-songiness makes you smile.

And something I forgot to mention in my last step, but it fits here too: feeling rushed. It's not always when we are heading out the door. I try to start earlier enough most times that I don't get frantic about that (there are occasions! LOL). It's mostly when 2 or more people need me at once, which with 5 needy kids under 11, is often! Batty's disobeying me at the same time Jeffrey wakes up crying and Rose is asking a question about math, and before you know it I'm yelling at Batty to just. go. potty. already. so I can wipe her and snapping at Rose because she should KNOW this already, and poor Jane asks to play on the computer and my head explodes.

So for Step 4, I need to:

*Work on my core muscles (anyone got a motivation pill I can take?)

*Continue to smile more.

*Use "uh oh" with my 3yo more; think of something calmly similar for my older kids - something easy that I can do without thinking, to circumvent my first impulse, which is to get grumbly.

*Continue to work on my personal issues that make me lack self-esteem.

*Figure out how to not feel frantic when more than one person needs me, especially when one of them is being disobedient.

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Does anyone else find it ironic...

...that the first Rule of Six idea that I said I don't totally stink at (routines/scheduling), was immediately followed by a post saying "I quit - routines/schedules are too hard - this is crazy??" :-P

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My Personal Rule of Six - Point 3

Only for today, I will pro-act, and head off trouble before it starts: I will maintain our routines as much as possible and guard against the two evils of hastiness and indecision.

Finally, something I can say I don't *totally* stink at, LOL!

Now, I do find it difficult with a unscheduled infant to keep to an exact schedule with the rest of the family. If we do school during naptimes, for example, and he gets tired at 9 AM one day but not until 10:30 another day (due to wake up times, say), I can *try* do do school at 9 as usual but it doesn't typically work half as well.

I do think I want to maintain more of an exact schedule for my 3 and 5 year olds, especially as far as listing what they can do, when: a set computer time for each, a time for things like Signing Time, maybe a "water time" or play doh time...things like that. However I *do* use those to occupy the younger ones so I can do school with the olders ... so if I'm NOT doing school because Jeffrey is awake, seems silly to waste the computer time!

See how my mind runs in circles about this?

Maybe, just maybe, if I run a schedule for the other kids like a well oiled machine, Jeffrey will get more organized eventually? (Yeah, *eventually* he won't need to nap at all, huh.) (And by that time I'll have another little non-napper, probably!) ;-)

Our weekdays *are* routinized enough that when weekends come, I do feel a little aimless. (A little?? sputters my dh)

OK, to wrap this one up:

*I will try to develop and maintain stricter routines despite Jeffrey's ever changing needs.

*I will try to keep the younger two girls happy and productive by guiding them to new activities before they've had a chance to get bored and snappy with what they're doing.

*I'm not sure how yet, but I will try to incorporate beauty, rhythm, and meaning into our routines/schedule. I think we all desperately need a certain calmness and healing to pervade our days.

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Personal Rule of Six, Step 2

Step 1 is here.

This is my second point of my Rule of Six:

Only for today, I will react with good humor in all but the most dire of situations.

Ooooh my goodness am I struggling with this right now. I'll give you two reasons:

Jeffrey and Batty.

I'm in such a bad reacting habit with Batty (she's 3 years 3 months). She is a button pusher, a willful child, definitely fits the definition of "spirited". I am SO used to (and TIRED OF) having to "deal" with her (i.e. discipline, explain, drag her away, etc) that I find I'm using an exasperated and strained tone before we've hardly gotten started. I'm sure we are feeding off each other. Hopefully, acknowledging this is the first step in stopping it. Here especially is where I find I must plaster a smile on my face multiple times a day just to short circuit that scowling/growling before it starts.

Jeffrey on the other hand, is a sweet child so far, but he is at that stage where he is frustrated all day long that he can't do what the girls are doing/eat what the girls are eating/play in the garbage/toilet. That, and the fact that I *keep moving* drives him nuts, oh, and also when I sit down. I am way too tired to carry him all day long (and he hates when I sit with him on my lap - if he's in a carrier I must be moving) but if I walk past him one way, he tries to follow, then I zip past him on my way back from somewhere and he is SO frustrated that he can't keep up. So he whines. All. Day. Long. Oh, except when daddy comes home and there are two sets of adult hands and bodies to entertain. So dh thinks Jeffrey is just THE most PLEASANT baby and ummm, I don't. LOL Then there is the whole eczema on the hands thing. I am supposed to (according to the doctors, dh, and strangers I meet on the street) prevent the baby from chewing/rubbing his hands on things. This is impossible. ONE RUB and ONE CHEW breaks the skin. So he looks (and probably feels)awful all the time. Because I'm a horrible mother, apparently. Everyone tells me so, by telling me that I have an impossible job but I just have to do it anyway, and do it right. And when I fail my baby hurts. This whole thing breaks my heart in so many ways, I'm crying just typing this. Sounds stupid until you live it. The absolute worst thing you can do to a control freak with anxiety issues is to tell them to try to control their children in some impossible way. Remember the whole "mouth patrol" thing? That just added to this - same idea, times 2. H%ll.

And the whole "baby's a light/bad sleeper" thing (yes, we have a white noise machine).

Anyway, between the two of them I am on edge all. the. time. I won't even get into the problems the other 3 cause, and they each have their issues! LOL

I think I need to define "dire situation". Is ds chewing on his hands so they are bleeding again "dire"? Logic tells me no, but tell that to my visceral reaction.

I also need to practice how to approach things with good humor. Breaking into song helps around here. Also rhyming and I can be quite good at it on the fly when I'm not full of anxiety or really tired (so, like 10% of the time? LOL!). Smiling and making a funny face instead of yelling.

This may sound funny, but I need to see them as "silly little people" instead of the all-powerful-mommy-crazy-makers they've become in my mind. I remember being 17 and babysitting tons of 3-year-olds. They seemed so YOUNG then, so silly and inconsequential. Now, even though I'm more than twice as old as I was, that same age (preschool) seems so much OLDER and more powerful. I sit at my dining room table at dinner, not feeling all that much older than the 5 children that surround me. I need to work on that.

I *definitely* need to trust God more to make up for my weakness. He knows how I'm made, He allows me to go on like this despite a decade of prayers that it stop. I must trust that it's for His good reasons. I must trust that it's OK that I can't do the impossible despite what everyone else says. I just wish God was louder about it, instead of leaving me guessing. A booming, "You're doing great, Amy!" would be nice! ;-)

The troops are now up, it's time to run and figure out when the best time to attend Mass will be!

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Dh will be so happy, I'm being logical!

LOL, I do struggle.

Throwing myself headlong into my Rule of Six is all well and good, but I don't think I'm going to make much progress without some real thought on the matter. Today was another difficult day.

I'm going to go through my Rule of Six one by one, and brainstorm. Here is today's:

Only for today, I will act with the authority over my children that God placed in me as their mother.

Part of the problem here is that I don't know what in the world it really means to do this, LOL! I mean, I have a vague idea, but not a practical one. Especially when it come down to my wheedling, wheeling dealing children. And the one or two (or three) who really don't CARE what I say no matter how often I punish, or cajole, or explain. It's worth it to these kids for whatever reason to just keep disobeying and pushing buttons no matter what.

I know I have read in various places that a child loses the perception of a parent's natural authority when a parent "loses it" too often in front of the children. Guilty here! Five bouts of postpartum depression and/or anxiety attacks, along with various life stresses, and my kids have seen (more than) their share of me losing it - crying, yelling, getting mad at inanimate objects (this is a biggie here! LOL). I am worlds better than I was 8 years ago (probably my lowest) but my life is also 5x more complicated now - and I have a long way to go. I am not sure how to gain this back or make up for this, except to stop losing it as much.

As far as not having authority for giving in too much, I don't normally do that, at least not with the younger kids and their tantrums. I am NOT easily swayed by a tantrum. What gets ME is the dealing or the sweet talking. I get asked for a computer turn, for example, and I say no, and then the child remembers some GREAT reason why they should be allowed to, and often I wind up giving in. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, necessarily (other than Charlotte Mason frowning on that sort of thing, LOL) but added to the paragraph above it further erodes my authority.

Maybe it's a girl thing, but my kids also seem extremely adept at the "sneaky almost disobedience". They know there is a line they shouldn't cross, and they bring themselves in all contorted types of ways right up to that line, in a sort of in your face "I'm not disobeying really, what are you going to do about it??" kind of way. Now, we don't have a ton of rules here, but I'm talking rules of civility that we have talked about ad nauseum not like pouring half a bottle of salad dressing on your plate, or me saying something like "you all must stay downstairs because the baby is sleeping" and having them all conveniently "forget" just a few minutes later. If I point out said transgression politely, I get attitude. Even the attitude can be done in such a way I'm not sure I should be addressing it either! Ugh! All day long I find myself going, "How did you wheedle me into an argument again? Why do you continually do what you know displeases me?" Not out loud of course, just in my head.

That being said, I need to be better at drawing an appropriate line between the children who are being annoying and when they are truly sinning. I need to let annoying go more often. Honestly, my kids don't outright sin much that I can tell. But lack of virtue abounds!

So in conclusion, I am hoping this will improve overall as *I* improve. I will attempt to dictate more of what goes on in a gentle way (for example, routines or setting up a meal schedule for all meals and snacks so there is less reason to argue with me or get me to change my mind: I have two children in particular who when I say "you can have peaches or apples for snack" say without skipping a beat "can I have a yogurt?" Ummmmm, did I SAY you could have a yogurt??? But (double ugh) I do give in to them at times when their request makes sense to me). I will try to draw the line gently but firmly. I will try to not be swayed by their theatrics or convincing arguments. There is a time for that, but I don't think that time is now, for our family.

Any advice on this is welcome.

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OK, so my Rule of Six practice

just ground to a screeching halt (I sent everyone away so I could have a 5 minute "de-stress").

I had been doing pretty well. Really. Despite some stresses going on here. But just now I found out that Batty brought playdoh upstairs after I specifically, more than once, told her not to. The baby found it, and ate it. I was busy and thought he was just playing contently with a toy. No, he was contently eating PLAYDOH out of the toy. Probably at least a tablespoon. :( UGH. I freaked. I'm sure the baby will be OK, with it being non-toxic and all - but I did NOT respond "with good humor" that the 3yo disobeyed me, and that it's now wrecked my painstakingly controlled allergen testing this week. It just kills me that the baby could be reacting to something I'm eating (I just tested eggs last night), but now I won't know and will have to eat them again to find out. But I'm sooo hungry all the time that gaining eggs back is a big deal. Grrrr...it is so hard to weigh my real needs against the baby's potentially real needs! Who can resist this face??

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