From his lips to God's ears

"...and if you ever have another baby boy...," said my Dad casually today, while commenting on our present Cutester's amazing good looks. ;-)



I am hesitant to post this - hesitant to share "too much". Too much information, and too much of my heart. I continue, hoping that it can be a balm to someone, someday who finds themselves in similar circumstances - to know that they are not alone.



We sit here at a crossroads, DH and I, prayerfully believing it is not in our family's best interest to continue to have children right now, and yet wondering if that really IS what God wants from us.



Part of me is SO relieved that my dh has said we need to stop. My heart breaks for the difficulties I've caused my children after 5 bouts of pregnancy induced "mental health" issues. We're also coming off a skin cancer scare and wonder what else is in store for me, at my ripe old age of 39. Of course we're just talking NFP here, but with my sub-fertile self, we've never had a problem getting it to "work" how we want it to.



But part of me yearns for that "one more." More than yearn, I crave it and covet it. I know I don't get to chose, but I especially ache for a brother for my son. I just wish God could hand me one without the pregnancy and postpartum issues (we were hoping months ago that He did, but it was not meant to be).



More than anything, I wish do be in God's will. I wish I fully understood what that was.