Wednesday's Epiphany

I think I have had MORE epiphanies since changing my blog name from Epiphany Springs, LOL. I wonder if that means something? I think something about stepping out, and changing, has opened up space for a little growth.

But that is not the epiphany.

I've been struggling lately (lately??) getting going in the morning. Even if I don't feel *tired*, I feel totally unmotivated to do school, and very much prefer the housework that I am letting slide those days I start school early. We get up early enough (between 6 and 7), so it's not that we're getting a late start... even the girls feel it, the urge to do gentle, non-thinking things in the morning: laundry, dishes, playing with each other, crafts (but not directed by me), audiobooks, etc.

Today I came right out and asked Maggie (9, and my most regimented, by the book child) whether she liked doing school work in the morning or afternoon better. "Afternoon!" she said emphatically. I was a bit surprised! I knew *I* preferred the afternoon, when I had gotten some "lazy me time" out of my system, and I definitely knew my oldest likes afternoons and evenings for thinking - she's a night owl. Actually, she would prefer to NEVER pick up her schoolbooks ;-) but when forced greatly prefers the afternoon.

I have been trying to make schedule after schedule (or routine after routine, more specifically), wondering why when I put school in the morning did I always break that within a few days...leading to many feelings of failure on my part.

So the epiphany is that I don't HAVE to do school in the morning! I know that sounds silly that I'm so surprised by it, but it *mentally* makes sense to me that we need to do school *first* in order to get it out of the way for freedom the rest of the day. You know, the whole "work first, play later!" thing. But if that doesn't WORK for any of us, who am I trying to kid?

As long as we *can* accomplish our work in the afternoon hours only, and as long as I am consistent in doing that, and not letting the whole day get away from me because I did not start early, it shouldn't matter WHEN we do school. Afternoon schooling is probably even easier than morning schooling since the almost 2yo and 4yo go down for naps/quiet time.

I think I'm going to write out a new routine, with housework and play in the morning, and schooling/thinking in the afternoon, and see if that isn't easier to stick to.

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I know I changed the name of my blog, but can I still have an epiphany?

In the search to figure out what to do with a very persistant toddler, I came across this thread on the 4Real Forums, When You are Always Surviving.

About half way down, Leonie says:

I changed my mindset - I tried to think of it as "doing the important things" and not "just surviving." Made a world of difference to me

What a great idea! And that change of perspective alone could be an epiphany, although it wouldn't have been mine. ;-)

What I personally realized relates to what God has been doing in my life regarding space and stuff. Living in a smaller house with 7 people, I've learned I need to be detached from stuff. With constant birthdays and generous relatives, different curricula for different learners, children of many ages and stages around, I've needed to just *let go* of all that is mine (and much of what is theirs, LOL!) so that there is room for what we are using and needing in the moment.

So that when Leonie made her comment above, God *pinged* me on the head and I thought, "Yeah, just like decluttering!" What I have been lamenting as "survival mode" for too long is possibly just God's way of saying "THIS is what is needful. THIS is what is important. The rest is just the clutter of the world, like so many Polly Pocket toys. Be detached. You don't need it." I *get* that. I understand being detached from stuff.

Hopefully the next time I'm lamenting that we are only on Week 8 when we should be on Week 14, or sad that I don't think I can handle the kids in swim lessons AND dance, or wondering when I'll EVER have the house straightened up...I'll remember that it is OK to be detached from activities and success. Even if that success was only my wish for an empty sink or uncluttered floor.

ETA: LOL - I continued reading the thread after I posted this, and realized that right under Leonie's quote, someone else said almost the exact same thing in a quote from an article. It's called "abandonment to God's will". Duh. ;-) I swear I didn't read that first! I should have - they said it much better than I did!! :)

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Saturday's epiphany

A few posts ago I mentioned that I wasn't prepared to start school again because I wasn't sure what I was doing yet with Oak Meadow/Serendipity/Waldorf-ish education. Today I realized that while that may be true, what I *really* am is SCARED! Scared that this new way of schooling won't be the healing, nurturing thing I hope it will be. Scared that it's just going to BOMB, and my relationship with my children will wind up deeper in the hole than it already is. We need to do school, and we need to bond more, and be gentle and fun together, and I so desperately want Oak Meadow/Waldorf-ish schooling to fulfill those needs, PLUS be a good education! We can't afford to do "school lite" anymore, esp. with my dyslexic oldest.

Aaaaaaaaaa!! THAT's why I don't want to start school up again. I'm terrified it'll fail, and then I won't know WHAT to do.

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Wednesday's epiphany

You'd think with five kids I'd learn this earlier...

Today my 11 and 9-year-olds were doing a project together. They were arguing, as usual, as it was a creative endeavor and they rarely agree on how things should go.

Typically, I bemoan the fact that they are "too old for this," that they are "acting like toddlers" - I say this in my head, and try (and fail sometimes) to be a little more tactful out loud. But still I am grumbling internally that they should know this stuff by now and it sets me on edge.

But today it hit me: OK, they *don't* truly get this stuff yet. If they *did*, they would act better. So I kindly gave them instructions on one good way to share the task, and they seemed truly grateful! The rest of the project proceeded relatively peacefully from there.

So my epiphany was: meet them where they are. Even if you think it's years behind where they should be! LOL Nothing will be gained from scolding.

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Saturday's Epiphany

Today found me driving home from a twice yearly total nuthouse children's consignment sale. It was nice to have a few moments alone with my own thoughts.

I was praying and asking God, yet again, what we should do about the house. Do we move? What town do we move to - close to work or farther away? Do we stay and make do? And of course I did my daily wishing I had a crystal ball or The Voice of God just tell me what the future holds so I know how to make the right decision.

Months ago, I sincerely felt that God asked me to start packing. Now, after seeing many different houses with the realtor, I wondered why we weren't finding anything we liked and could afford. Could our current house possibly be the best we could do? (insert picture of me looking faint)

All week I've been planning what I would do with this house if we stayed, and I actually started to *like it* and think it might just work. So in my prayer time I wondered why I should be packing, and at the same time falling in love with my own house?

That's when it hit me.

Contentment.

I think God wants me to be content here. I'm getting the feeling that we will still be moving in the not-too-horribly-distant future, but in the meantime, I am to be content. The grass is not greener on that 1 acre cool house plot. Well, OK, that's not exactly true. The ACTUAL grass IS greener on the lot of our favorite house. ;-) We have a lot of weeds mixed in with our dying grass. But seriously, the proverbial grass, even on that favorite house, is not a better shade than our own. Yes, there is more room, a nice yard, a cool potential school room, a neat sun room (oooo, somebody stop me) ...but there is also a longer commute for St. DH, a more expensive mortgage, a well and septic that we are not used to, neighbors we don't know,more to clean, more to mow, and utility bills that are much higher than what we pay now. Oh and this particular house is under contract, LOL. So, not greener, just a different shade. I guess my job is to determine which shade is the most flattering for us. :)



Now godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. - I Timothy 6:6-8

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Friday's Epiphany

...is that I'm pathetic.

No, seriously, it is that I am *impatient* and it is ruining my spiritual growth.

This morning was a morning like many mornings. Things weren't going well, and I started to have a major anxiety attack.

"Please, God, make it stop!" I wailed," I can't stand this anymore! Where ARE You? Why don't You listen to me? Don't You care? Do You really hate me? You must, because I keep sinning when I'm like this and You won't make it stop so that I can stop sinning and be with You forever." I didn't say my logic was the best during an anxiety attack, lol :-P I tend to have this all consuming fear that I'm going to go to Hell because I can't seem to stop sinning when I'm having an attack and since God won't stop them even when I beg, He must not love me (yes, I'm that special that He loves everyone else in the world but not me :-P) Hence, I'm going to Hell.

See? Pathetic. ;-)

Many minutes and many tears later I managed to get a few things done without myself or someone else ruining them and the worst of it lifted. That's when I had my epiphany:

It lifted.

Just like it always does. Just not the *moment* I begged for it.

He heard my cry and answered me.

OK, I think I really AM pathetic, but God *does* love me, hear me, and answer me. I just need to WAIT. And it's usually not all that long!

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I hope you all don't mind me sharing these things. I don't do it to show how screwed up I am, or how holy I am (NOT!) - I write them down so I don't forget, and in the hopes that they may help somebody else.

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In other news, I decluttered a multi-book set of "Teach Yourself to Play Violin" (not it's real name, I can't even remember what it was nor do I want to go look for fear I will not be able to control my urge to take it out of the give-away bag.) I have always wanted to teach myself the violin. I've had those books for years with the hopes that it would happen some day. I don't have a violin, nor do I have space to *store* a violin, or time to *practice* or learn the violin. Besides, I have two instruments here (electric piano and flute) that I *do* know how to play and I never bother. If I want to be musical I should use what I have - bloom where I'm planted and all that.

It was hard, but I really felt the Holy Spirit nudging this one. I did put it in the bag with a prayer that if it is meant to be, these or something better will find their way back to me at the right time.

I feel free.

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"Bookshelves are for books"

Tuesday was full of epiphanies.

In between calming a cranky baby, breaking up fights between Frick (Rose) and Frack (Skye), and oh yeah, homeschooling, I realized many things.

One: Bookshelves are for books.

My dh said that to me a day or so ago. Lightbulb moment! I had packed away boxes and boxes of books, trying to make our bookshelves look less cluttered (or something) for our move. Yet all over the house were flotsam and jetsam of toys and learning manipulatives. THAT is the eyesore. Books on the bookshelf look appropriate. Polly Pocket shoes in every nook and cranny do not.

So I spent much of yesterday UNpacking the books (oh how I had missed you, friends!) and placing them back on the shelves, as eye-pleasingly as I could. This is definitely a work in progress. As soon as I am done, all but the minimun of toy and homeschool clutter will be packed away. So much of it was out "just in case." I mean, if I haven't used that 12 tape set of Intensive Spanish in the four years I've had it, am I really going to need it in the next six months?? Ditto the pattern blocks, most of the puzzles and board games, the yarn, the fabric stash...well, maybe I won't go THAT far.

Two: My 6yo is special.

I hate to use that term. And I don't mean to say that my other children aren't wonderful and special in their own right. But have you ever known a child who just seemed especially pure and graced by God in some special way? Heh, maybe it's just in comparison to her more "prickly" sisters, but Jane seems different. She carries her holy cards around, she prays on her own at night without prompting, her typical answer to a jab by her sisters is a concern for the other person, and just yesterday she told me sweetly, "I often ask God at night to forgive my sins."

I pray that I don't mess her up somehow.

Final: I am SO LUCKY.

Some people very near and dear to me are acting like, well, I can't even say what they are acting like and remain charitable. The situation is disintigrating, and I don't know what to do, how to help. It's ugly, and a bit scary. Yet because my dh/children/home are not directly involved (yet, lol), I can step back... breathe deep ... and know I am the luckiest woman alive to have a sweet husband, five vibrant and exciting children, and a roof over my head.

Did you know I have running water that comes right up to my pipes and out a faucet? Not only that, the water pressure is fabulous. I have a washer that agitates clothes for me! A local market (or 12) that has all manner of food for me. I can turn a dial and my house gets warmer! And thanks to the wonder of the internet, I can chat with friends all over the globe at any time of day, dear friends who pray for me and mine, and watch LOST every night with my sweetie. Bliss, I tell ya.

Pure Bliss.

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A Groundhog's Day Epiphany

And no, it wasn't that spring would be six more weeks away, LOL. Darn that scaredy-cat groundhog!

As school started up this morning, I was reading aloud on the couch while Jeffrey and Batty colored at the end table next to us. Loudly. Batty does everything loudly. Add Jeffrey and his incessant "Uuuuuuh!!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!!" and I was having trouble being heard over the ruckus, especially with a case of laryngitis forming.

This is a very common scene here (ummm, like daily?), which usually ends in me shout-reading, and getting increasingly more fed up and snappish. Well, today a thought passed through my mind as I was struggling to read: "You are thankful for Batty. She is precious, and joyous, and behaving appropriately for her age. Smile and enjoy the ruckus."

Wow. Smile and enjoy. What a novel idea! So I continued reading, and kept "I am thankful for Batty and her ruckus," in the forefront of my mind. After all, no one else was having trouble with it. Let me tell you, it made such a difference to my mental state and the whole mood of our reading time. Yes I was still reading LOUDLY to be heard, but it was with a certain joy and not an exasperation. Because I am SO LUCKY to have Batty and all my children.

Thank you, God. One step closer to being a thermostat and not a thermometer.

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Tuesday's Epiphany

Yesterday I spent more time packing, trying to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit - I packed a box of kitchen non-essentials. I have decluttered the kitchen fairly recently, so was pretty amazed I could pack a whole box of stuff that we don't need. Who needs a hamburger patty maker when you have two hands? A powdered sugar shaker when you have a spoon or fingers or a sifter?

The real epiphany came, however, when I looked at my two ladles. We have soup a lot, and so I always kept the extra (which had come with our new, larger crock pot), in case the first one was dirty. When telling this in the evening to St. DH, we both exclaimed aloud at the same time, "If the one was dirty, we COULD JUST WASH IT!"

Duh.

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Monday's Epiphany

You'd think with a blog name like "Epiphany Springs" and a homeschool named "Epiphany Prep School" I'd focus more on the epiphanies in my life. Well, I think my blog would more appropriately be named "Sieve Springs" because I have a mind more like one of those, LOL.

But this morning I *did* have an epiphany, and I remembered it long enough to bring it to you. I know you are all waiting with bated breath. ;-)

I tend to search outside myself, sometimes obsessively, anxiously, for the answers to what plagues me on any given day. I'm always looking, reading, blog surfing, googling. When I'm not actively doing that my mind is a-swirl with the information I've taken in from those sources. Through it all, I'm usually crying out to God, "I'm so confused about situation X, what do I doooooooo?"

Well, it hit me this morning - and probably not for the first time, mind you (remember the sieve) that God has all the answers already, he is an infinite storehouse of knowledge bigger and better than I could ever imagine, and that I cannot hear God and tap into that vast storehouse if my mind is always in a tornado of thoughts and sights (or should that be sites? It's often computer forum/blog related). I'm pretty well read in general, it's unusual for me to come across a TRULY new idea that I want to institute, so God can use what is already in my subconscious to teach me what to do next, but I must be able to hear him. There must be a mental quiet.

The answer isn't out there. It's in here, where God resides.

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