I'm subversive

The other day we attended story time at a local library - the same story time we have attended countless times before. It's usually pretty decent as far as these things go. Several different librarians rotate through hosting it each week and sometimes they bring in a special guest reader or character (which I can usually do without, lol).

But this time seemed different. One of the usual librarians was there. I got in early and set up camp (you know, with four thousand coats, a rolling book cart, a huge book bag, and a clingy toddler around me). I sat where two seats had been set up. The librarian comes over and somewhat brusquely tells me to move those seats waaaay over there to the corner of the enclosed kids room because the place I was sitting was in the way. "This section is for the kids activities and all the parents need to sit back there." OK. The kids have always been fine doing their movement activities with stools lining two sides of the room, but whatever. No big deal other than the fact that we've never had to do that before, the seats were there when I got into the room, and her somewhat rude tone.

So I move our four thousand coats, huge book bag, rolling library cart, growing stack of books, two library seats, and my toddler to the corner of the room. Good, I thought, I can have some anonymity back here.

Storytime got started and everyone settled in while she went over the rules. Rules? What, there are rules now? We've never needed rules before. Granted, some kids wander around a little too much for my tastes, but most of the kids listen, and these kids range in age from newborn to about 6 (mine, the other 6yo's are in school!) so you can't expect perfection.

Kids were now not allowed to have a book with them on the mat while she was reading. "I want their attention on me, not their books. Parents please put them away." Gee, and I thought the library was all about wanting books around you. ;-) Never before had a child with a book caused a problem. Usually the kids holding books were too young to really pay attention to a half hour story time anyway. They never caused any harm.

"Parents, I expect your participation! Get up when we get up! Dance when we dance!" Ummmm, no. Just no! I take my kids to the library story time so I can get a little break. So I can SIT and watch them be entertained by *someone else*. I occasionally help my toddler do a finger play or something, but he doesn't CARE yet and my older girls don't even give me a second thought. I'm not shakin' my patootie so somebody elses kids will participate more fully, and I totally resent being told to do so. Luckily I wasn't the only parent who didn't, although most did. Because I'm also a pushover when it comes to peer pressure. I had the excuse of my toddler to hold.

"Parents, if your child is getting restless, please feel free to take them out of the room so the other children can pay attention." Hmmmm, while I do see some need for stating this, in practice it actually made things more chaotic.

It was at that point I realized just how much I resent being told what to do. And how much I *love* homeschooling. And how much I want my kids to not have to deal with the whole "line up and do what I say" mentality from someone who doesn't really care about them. I believe fully in obeying one's parents. But this is different. I even started wondering just how much I *should* be demanding obedience from my kids when I hate with a passion how that librarian made me feel.

We didn't need stated rules. Honestly, the half hour didn't run *any better* than it usually did. Only now, we had several parents/daycare providers who seemed much more tense then they usually did. It was much more distracting for the group for me to get up and take a book from my 3yo, who then got upset, than it was for her to just get up and wander off for a book. She's 3 feet tall and was quiet until I made her make a scene. Same for the other parents. And just where should we draw the line? What does "restless" really mean? Wandering? Making some noise? Story time has now gone from a fun, loose, half hour, to a stressful and regimented time to listen to the librarian, who by the way spent waaay to much time reading to the parents about all the upcoming library events. If you want the kids' attention, lady, grab it when they come in and don't let it go until story time is over!

It didn't help that during the story time I noticed a mom with four kids under 5 or so. All boys, the youngest looking to be only 2-3 months old. I was hoping to tell her what a beautiful family she had, when I overheard her say she was a daycare provider. We bumped into each other on the way out, and she gave me a big smile and said, "Oh, are you a daycare provider too?" "No," I smiled and said, "They're all mine." Her face fell and her tone of voice got snide. "Oh," she stammered, in that 'you're crazy' kind of way, "Wow. You must be, ummm, really busy." I smiled and nodded, fearing that if I actually opened my mouth, what came out would not be very nice. I'm sure I'm no busier than a daycare provider who has four kids under 5 during the day and her own 5, 8, and 11yo's after school! But because 'they're mine' and I don't get paid to take care of them, I'm crazy and not worth a nice comment. Sigh.

Luckily, I went home with my brood to a house where my dh was working from home. I saw him and all was right with the world again. I am so lucky.

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Blogger woes and more on discipline during exceptions

I like the new blogger, really I do. Especially because it's free. But the one thing I don't like is that I can't follow up on comments with individual commenters, like you can with typepad or wordpress, because I don't get your email address. The only thing I can do is reply in the comment section (which hardly anyone ever goes back to anyway, at least on my blog) or bring it up here to a new post. Which is what I'm doing. :-)

Thank you Angela, Patience, and KC for commenting on my last post. It is good to know I'm not alone! :)

I realized that I may have misunderstood Angie's use of her bead string - not having a mother's rule or a strict routine to live by, I wasn't thinking in those terms - that it could be a way to always try to maintain that rule and to notify others when they should, ummm, leave you alone so that you CAN maintain that rule.

I guess I just don't work that way. Maybe I should.

I don't know all about Angie's family, so this is in no way about her post or her family anymore, but I'm wondering how much any of this is *possible* with special needs in the family.

Maybe it's just because we haven't learned to "do it right" yet, whatever the heck *right* is, but it is interesting that all 3 of my commenters have chilren with unusual needs, from vision issues, to giftedness, to autism spectrum disorders, learning disabilities, ADHD, ODD-ish tendencies, diet issues, etc.

I think I'm on to something here, but I have no idea WHAT, lol. And maybe everything I'm about to say only fits with moms of kids with behavioral issues, since that is mostly what I'm used to (although we do have other issues, they pale in comparison when adding stress to our day)

I used to think it was because we had too many activities, as experienced moms of larger families like to tell me. Drop some projects, activities, extras, and everything will be better. Well, I did that. We have nothing extra that God doesn't drop in our laps (necessary doctor visits, etc). It has NOT fallen together and gotten easier. Actually, I think in some way it FEELS harder because I am not distracted by all the running around! ;-) I have to face up to my life in all it's glory.

I think God calls the multiple special needs mom to an even higher calling than making a rule and checking it twice. Of course routines are great and give all children a sense of the "expected". I'm not saying we should ditch them if you have them already. And keeping the 5 "P's" Holly Pierlot talks about (Person, Prayer, Provider, Parent, Partner) in mind is beneficial when you can take a moment to bring them to mind.

I keep telling myself, "It should be better than this. I don't think it is all supposed to be so hard." "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" and all that. But maybe God wants it hard. Maybe our heavy burdens are redemptive suffering for the world. Is it possible that scripture doesn't apply to us? Because I think God calls on certain moms to pour themselves out completely, making their body and mind a living sacrifice, not counting the cost. God's yoke doesn't seem to make it easy or light, just *possible*. Maybe even sweet in a strange way. But definitely not easy. Not something I could get under control with a string of beads, no matter how hard I tried!

From many of the special needs moms I've talked to, you just can't schedule around the fact that your toddler is having 20 minute long meltdowns 15 times a day, your baby cries all day from colic and multiple semi-diagnosed food intolerances, your 4yo is having another asthma attack, and your 10 year old has yelled, cried, and stormed off AGAIN because you dared to ask her to do math. You also have other children, maybe even "normal" children, who need your love and attention. Did I mention homeschooling past minimal basics? Housework? No, I didn't, because so many days they don't even make it on the radar when I'm dealing with the *real people* I have in front of me.

How many times do you homeschooling special needs mothers of many get told, "I don't know how you do it!" I get told that a lot. Honestly, I don't know how I get from one second to the next on many days, except by the very grace of God who keeps me alive to witness it all.

Please don't take any of this to mean I'm not thankful. I am SO thankful I am alive, have a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, clothes on our backs, certain foods we can eat, and five beautiful little very childish little souls to share it with, and four more awaiting us someday. I do have perspective (a not-to-miss article, by the way!), especially now facing skin cancer surgery. I know it's only non-malignant skin cancer, but it has brought into focus yet again how short life is, how precious. Yet my days are hard, crying in my soup HARD, and I am so ill equipped.

There aren't enough beads in the world. There is only forgiveness, and grace, and the constant vision of the face of my Savior in the forefront of my mind.

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Here is where my dh declares me legally insane :)

Let me start off with a little story...

I'm adopted (most of you know that). All my life I have dreamed of a large-ish family (5-7 kids) made up of both biological and adopted siblings. As of now, I have five biological children, the youngest being 7 weeks old. The other day, as I was nursing and holding the baby, I got an email (my laptop is my constant companion on the couch as I hold him through a nap) from Adoption.com - it was their weekly update newsletter. I was intrigued by a story, and to make a long story just a little shorter, I spent an hour clicking through pictures of various sibling groups that are currently able to be adopted.

Knowing we had 5 already, I stopped to be thoughtful for a moment and not just impulsive like I usually am! :) "God," I said, "You know my limitations and my situation. You also know my desires. I think if you want us to adopt, you are going to have to drop the baby right in our lap so we know it is your will!" I turned off the computer and kept my thoughts on the whole situation to myself.

Fast forward to yesterday. I get an email from an old friend whose teenage daughter has found herself expecting a baby. As of now, she is thinking of putting the baby up for adoption. The mom was asking for prayers, not asking if we would adopt, but you bet that's what *I* was thinking! If this were to come to pass, I would have six children - 10, 8, 5, 2, 8 months, and newborn! Homeschooling three of them, one with special learning needs in a tiny 3 bedroom house. Am I nuts? But if this is God's provision, God will certainly provide the means and the grace.

Strangely enough, when I discussed the situation with Saint DH, he actually did NOT call the paramedics to have me taken away in the white coat that fastens up the back, he actually thought it was a distinct possibility for our family. This is huge. Dh is NEVER one to just jump into something. He thinks for months and years before buying a piece of furniture!

I think God is at work here. :)

Please pray for my friend and her daughter, and for us, that we all make the right decisions and for health and safety for the daughter and baby. Thank you so much!

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Why five is easier than two

Whenever I'm out and about, or the subject of children comes up, I get comments on our family size. Many comments are from moms of one or two who "can't believe" I can deal with 5, because they "have enough trouble with their two." While I know everyone's circumstances are different, I am here to tell you that TWO *IS* HARD. I know, I had only two at one point. Two is especially hard when they are both, say, 5 and under. So give yourselves a break, moms of two, and realize it IS hard, it is not like there is something wrong with you that you can't handle 2 when I can handle five. (BTW, I never said I was "handling" five well either, LOL!)

Here are a number of reasons why I find five kids easier than two:

• they entertain each other more often. When Kid A doesn't want to play with Kid B, Kid A can go to Kid C or D or E and convince them their life would be better off with a rousing game of Polly Pockets. When I had two, if Kid A didn't want to play with Kid B, I usually had BOTH Kid A and Kid B coming to ME for entertainment. I'm not good at, nor do I particularly like, playing kids games. As in, I'd rather get dental work than play Polly Pockets for an hour.
• It doesn't take 5 times as much work to deal with 5 kids as opposed to 1. Five sandwiches for lunch only takes another minute or two when everything is lined up, cooking dinner for 7 vs. 3 people means a bigger bowl but not twice the prep time, the kids can be taught together for several subjects, etc . Laundry...oh wait, laundry does seem to multiply exponentially. Scratch that.
• There are always hands to hold the baby. When I had a newborn and a two year old, I can probably count the number of times I ate a hot meal in those days on one hand. Now, with 10, 8, 4, and 2yo's, I can yell, "Anyone want to hold/play with the baby?" and many people will come running. My 10yo is especially good with him. Then I get to eat a quick lunch or go to the bathroom without balancing the baby on one arm.
• Same goes for little chores. When I had two young children, it wasn't a tenth as easy to say to the air, "Could someone grab another roll of paper towels on their way upstairs?" and have it actually occur. Now there are many hands to help with the little things that would have me running in circles all day before. Now, maybe that has to do with the fact that I have *older* children, but I think in part it is the "many children" factor - because it is not only my olders that help. It just seems like with more, there is always someone who is "not really doing anything" and can help get the toddler a piece of cheese while I'm nursing the baby.
• Younger children in a large family learn a lot by osmosis. This is good and bad. Good when they already know how to read, add, subtract, brush their teeth and change the CD in the player; bad when they start sounding like their 10yo sister with the attitude problem.
• The "dilution factor." This is my dh's name for the phenomenon of gaining the proper perspective on each person's issues. When we had two kids, each illness, head bump, or other concern tended to take on large proportions. Now that we have more kids to worry about, each issue just seems a little less traumatic. I can imagine what a basket case I would be about my dd's alopecia or her sister's hearing loss if each were my only child. Serious problems get their due, of course, but "serious" is put in much better perspective.
• Experience is on my side. By the fifth baby, you have usually learned many tricks/ techniques/routines that make things easier. You also finally understand just how fleeting time really is, and don't get half as worked up about the kids' little phases, because you know deep down they will be over before you know it. Having that perspective on colic is a lifesaver, let me tell you!
• The love is multiplied. And that really covers a multitude of sins. I need all the coverage I can get!!

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