I thought last weekend was the last straw, but no...

I now understand the meaning of "the straw that broke the camel's back." At least in my experience, it's not one huge thing, but a multitude of little things that lead even strong people to call the men in the white coats to come and bring them to the padded room. The nice...soft...quiet...empty room. Say, does anyone have their number? But wait, I digress...

The past few years months have been a lot for me to handle. Prodromal labor, a very colicky baby that only now at four months doesn't seem to cry any time his eyes are open, skin cancer surgery, plastic surgery to repair the skin cancer wounds, an extreme breastfeeding diet for the sensitive baby, a 2.5 year old who is the most stubborn/tantrummy/strong willed child I've ever met (and I've had 25 year experience with toddlers, even those with special needs).

On top of it is our normal life. I often joke(?) with my dh that I'm doing everything that all my friends say they could "never do." He says that makes me superwoman, I think it makes me feel more like a freak, because I certainly don't feel super! Homeschooling, homeschooling a child with a learning disabillity, having a child with multiple food allergies, having mulitple children with multiple food allergies, breastfeeding, breastfeeding a child past a year, breastfeeding two, breastfeeding 5 different times with children who need me to give up all my favorite, foods (like those with flavor LOL), having a dh go back to school nights, having 7 homeschooling people in 1200sq ft, colic, three under 5, a 10yo who never.stops.talking...it goes on and on. I've stopped talking about my trials to friends because inevitably that's all I'd get in return: "Oh, wow, I could never do that. I'd just quit/move/use formula/leave my dh/whatever". Oh gee thanks, that was helpful, LOL!

So let me bring you to my "last straw." I thought dh getting sick last weekend was going to be the end of me. For many crazy reasons, I don't deal well with it (I won't get into it, but it's not the usual "I'm afraid I'll lose him, oh no!" kinds of reasons). I freaked. He's on the mend and we are slowly getting back to normal. But really, small and silly as it was, it was Huge Deal Central here, and I was sure it would crack my sanity permanently. No, that could wait for today's even smaller straw. Or "seed" shall I say.

I went to an allergy website to look around, because I was recommending the site to a mom who had just learned her dd has a peanut allergy. I click on a thread on one of their forums. I learn that because of cross contamination issues, there are probably no commercial peanut-free birdseeds.

Watching the birds at our feeders, few as we get, as sad as this sounds, was the only true joy, without strings, I had. I know my family should be my joy, but I find life in a large family extremely stressful. I don't have any special talents to enjoy - I don't cook well, or craft well, or garden well. Feeding the birds to bring them to our feeder was it.

And now I can't in good conscience continue doing it.

Why would God strip me of this one, last, tiny pleasure? Enjoying His creation?

Words fail me.