Finding my place

I've felt very restless lately. Like I don't want to be in my skin anymore. Decluttering and decorating has helped, some... but my hands are tied about all the big projects we want to get done, so these little fixes are like putting pearls on a pig. :-P

I feel like running away. I don't necessarily want to leave my family behind (although I think a good week all by myself would do wonders). I just want to reinvent my life. New-to-me home. New walls, new layout.

I've been wandering around in different homeschooling forums online, trying to find a place where I feel like I can make friends. But I think I want them to like some fake "new me" and not who I really am deep inside.

I wonder if part of it is wanting to be popular, be liked. How "high school" is that! Oh and this is not some plea for comments (I've made enough of those, LOL!) - it is so much deeper than that. I think it's about finding the true me and expressing her. Sarah had such a great post about that a few days back.

I'll catch little glimpses of her, but then the words won't come. Or I'll get brave and say something, and the people who I care the most about look at me blankly, or worse still, miss the point or get huffy with me. I don't blame them, I don't understand what I'm talking about half the time either! ;-)

I've thought about starting another blog ... but I'm so tired of doing even that. I *am* the kind of person who threw out all her journals growing up -- once I've spread my wings another notch I don't want to remember that person I was. And moving around too much has the consequence of losing the connections I've already built here (all 3 of them, LOL!!).

I wish you guys knew who I was. Heck, I wish *anybody* really knew me.

I'm deep.

My mind flows in all directions at once, swirling.

I can guess numbers with remarkable accuracy like how much someone spent at the grocery store.

I spend a lot of time trying to escape.

I'm highly sensitive.

I'm the only person I know that has 5 kids yet would have been perfectly happy as a cloistered nun or a hermit. I don't have kids because I love babies. I don't. I have them because it's right according to our faith, and we had no grave reason not to.

When I was a child I used to wish I could use only sign language instead of talk. I don't like to talk. I want to converse in pictures.

I want to be a classical, montessori, Catholic, Charlotte Mason inspired, Waldorfian homeschooler. I remind myself of Eric Carle's Mixed Up Chameleon or whatever that book is called.

I have a horrible time getting started on things (like dragging the kids away from their play to start school) but once we do things are OK.

I take on a million little projects at once and never. finish. any.

When my son does something cute I'm so happy I can't stand it.

When my girls fight (when do they not?) my world crashes around my ears.

I once wrote a poem about being a chameleon. I really do pick up on and change due to my surroundings and what I think people want of me.

I mourn the loss of my brain since becoming a mom five times over.

I feel like if we could all just eat normal food, my life would be 100x easier.

At least once a week I imagine my life w/o my dh and try to figure out what I would do, how we would survive. (He knows I do this.)

I have imaginary arguments in my head at least once a day. Not me vs. me, LOL, but me vs. the cahsier at the store, or my dh, or doctor. Kind of like "if I said this, then he might say *that*, and then I would have to fight back with *this*..." None of these conversations ever comes to fruition.

I would love to be an author some day. (Some of you probably spit out your tea...) ;-)

I want to be the worlds expert at *something*.

I feel like I have an extremely deep need to create, coupled with a complete inability to make it happen the way I envision. Frustrating.

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Well, my time here is up. I feel a little better having shared a bit about what my brain is like. :) I still wonder what I'm doing *here* (here meaning any of my usual haunts) and whether I would be happier somewhere else, as some ONE else...