Friday's Epiphany

...is that I'm pathetic.

No, seriously, it is that I am *impatient* and it is ruining my spiritual growth.

This morning was a morning like many mornings. Things weren't going well, and I started to have a major anxiety attack.

"Please, God, make it stop!" I wailed," I can't stand this anymore! Where ARE You? Why don't You listen to me? Don't You care? Do You really hate me? You must, because I keep sinning when I'm like this and You won't make it stop so that I can stop sinning and be with You forever." I didn't say my logic was the best during an anxiety attack, lol :-P I tend to have this all consuming fear that I'm going to go to Hell because I can't seem to stop sinning when I'm having an attack and since God won't stop them even when I beg, He must not love me (yes, I'm that special that He loves everyone else in the world but not me :-P) Hence, I'm going to Hell.

See? Pathetic. ;-)

Many minutes and many tears later I managed to get a few things done without myself or someone else ruining them and the worst of it lifted. That's when I had my epiphany:

It lifted.

Just like it always does. Just not the *moment* I begged for it.

He heard my cry and answered me.

OK, I think I really AM pathetic, but God *does* love me, hear me, and answer me. I just need to WAIT. And it's usually not all that long!

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I hope you all don't mind me sharing these things. I don't do it to show how screwed up I am, or how holy I am (NOT!) - I write them down so I don't forget, and in the hopes that they may help somebody else.

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In other news, I decluttered a multi-book set of "Teach Yourself to Play Violin" (not it's real name, I can't even remember what it was nor do I want to go look for fear I will not be able to control my urge to take it out of the give-away bag.) I have always wanted to teach myself the violin. I've had those books for years with the hopes that it would happen some day. I don't have a violin, nor do I have space to *store* a violin, or time to *practice* or learn the violin. Besides, I have two instruments here (electric piano and flute) that I *do* know how to play and I never bother. If I want to be musical I should use what I have - bloom where I'm planted and all that.

It was hard, but I really felt the Holy Spirit nudging this one. I did put it in the bag with a prayer that if it is meant to be, these or something better will find their way back to me at the right time.

I feel free.