A bit of oasis in the dry spell

I've been having a bit of a spiritual dry spell lately. Lately, like...oh...the last 10 years or so. No wait, my oldest will be 12 soon (12!!). So, 12. It is so obviously hormonally driven in my case. It is hard to be "spiritual" when one is having anxiety attacks because her dh has the sniffles! ;-)

OK, I'm not THAT bad, it's more like "My dh has the sniffles and I don't feel good either and he has to work all weekend again, and I'm so tired and the kids haven't done enough school but the oldest is dyslexic and this just isn't WORKING and if we could only have a bigger house all my problems would be solved but we don't have the money and anyway my dh has the SNIFFLES and works too hard and we'll never get a chance to go house hunting ANYWAY, so my life is hopeless."

Ahem.

So luckily yesterday was St. Therese of Lisieux's feast day. First let me tell you I have been saying a novena to St. Therese (the simple one in my post here) and as always happens when I say a novena, I don't get what I ask for ....but *I* change. I start off asking for one thing, and by the end of the novena I'm saying things like, "I don't really remember what I started this novena for, but God I just want to be happy with Your will." A few days ago mid-novena, I was in a strangely happy mood- strange because difficult things were going on - and I was just happy in the middle of it. Joyful is perhaps a better word? No, really, I think I was HAPPY. I was noticing cute things about Jeffrey, I was thankful for many things -- seeing things in their real light for the first time in a long while. I turned to Jeffrey and said, "Everything's coming up roses!" Which then made me realize that it was totally St. Therese's intercession, and God's power and grace, that was making me feel good, because I *do not* talk that way. I don't think I've said or even thought "everything's coming up roses" in my life, LOL.

I told you that story to tell you this one. :)

So like I said, it was luckily St. Therese's feast day, and I was previewing a movie about St. Therese before letting the girls see it (it was fine, although a little dry for the ages I was going to show it to). Her life and her writings are so inspirational to me, I wish I could remember to immerse myself in them more often.

While watching the movie I kept thinking, "I need to be like her." Every part of me wants what she had. Suddenly the God inspired thought occured to me,

"You will suffer much."

I have spent the last 12 years trying to run away from suffering. But in that one instant, all of a sudden it seemed OK. It seemed OK because I felt God's presence in my usual void.

"OK God, you know how this goes...I say 'fine' and You drown me in difficulties and I over-react, and sin much, and then I feel farther away from You than I did in the first place."

That's because you are worshipping at the altar of other people's minds, not Mine.

Wow. Oh boy. No, I don't do that.

Wait. Yes.

I knew I did this to a point. "If I do X, my parents will think I'm crazy." "I'm no good at Y, because I saw the look in my friend's eye when I showed it to her."

But God showed me how my hard-life-freak-outs are mostly due to what other people will think, not Him.

"God it is too hard to teach this argumentative dyslexic and 4 other kids" really means: God, I will be a failure if she doesn't learn what I think she needs for her life. People will think*I'm* a bad teacher and she will flounder and hate me.

So God said to me, "What does it matter that people don't like you or think you are a bad teacher? When you are in Heaven will it matter? When Juliet is in heaven will it matter that she couldn't spell and only had menial jobs all her life?"

No. Really, no.

"God I can't stand it in this house one more minute, it too small for this family of mostly space loving introverts ... and God, if we cram ourselves into this house, people will think we are poor. My parents will think we are nuts and they wont like me as much, they will look down on us. I want the nice spaces like I see on blogs. I want space to do as I wish.

So God says to me, "When you are in Heaven, will it matter that you were laughed at by your neighbors and family? That your homeschooling didn't go as well because you couldn't figure out where to put your stuff and where to teach? That you lived with unremovable wallpaper that clashed with the room?"

Again, no and no.

"God my kids are arguing again and again"...and people will think I'm a bad mother.

"God my floors and carpet NEVER look clean no matter how much I scrub/vacuum, it's not fair"...and people will think I'm a bad housekeeper, an idiot who can't even figure out how to get a stain out or make enough money to replace it.

It won't really matter. I won't truly matter if I fail, if I struggle, if I am mocked. Or if my kids fail or struggle. Or if my dh hates me (which he absolutely does not, but I'm always wondering when he will start). I must not worship at the altar of what other people think of us. That's where my freak outs start, and the "suffering" that I think is God given, is actually just ME having a big "I'm to proud to fail or look bad" temper tantrum. I can't believe how much anxiety I've brought upon myself when I take this hard look at what is going on in my brain.