Multitude Monday

I'm about halfway through Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. Usually, I'm leary of buying a book by a blogger that I read regularly - I'm big on not "duplicating" - if I can just read the blog, why do I need the book? But even though I recognize many of the stories Ann shares in the book from her blog, the book weaves them together and adds more details to create a nice cohesive whole. I am going to wait until I'm done with the book to give a real review, but I just wanted to share that part. :)

I'm also realizing an important thing that's been missing form my lists. REAL THANKFULNESS. Sounds obvious, right? But I've been reading Ann's book and the many blogs where people are sharing what they are thankful for and saying it is *transforming their life*. Honestly, that is why I started the whole thing. I *need* that transformation, for the good of my family and my own soul.

But even though I have been keeping a gratitude journal, both real and mental, for many many years, it wasn't changing me. I realize that even though each things I was listing was "neat" or something I "loved", I wasn't actually feeling thanks for many of them. In my rush to have a big, pretty list I think I was looking around for every cool detail and forgetting my feelings about the whole thing. Now, I know "fake it till you make it" can be a good strategy for many things, but I'm guessing that real heart transformation is personally going to take me MUCH time and must come from *complete honesty* instead of trying to look good, even for God's sake.

I know part of my problem is feeling completely overwhelmed and trapped in my circumstances. So even when I'm looking at my little girls in the bath, I can *say* I am thankful for how funny they are being with their goggles on making bubbles, and it *is* a joyful feeling to be laughing with them, but oh so quickly I am overwhelmed - my son is with us and it is so hot and NOISY in there and now my son is screaming in the tiny echoing bathroom because his face is wet (and it's only wet because he wouldn't listen to me, which is typical). To now go sit at the computer and say, "I'm so thankful for the goofy girls" would be lying, because the whole thing is now related in my mind to the cr*ppy ending. I am just not at the stage where I can pick it out from the whole.

Also, random things like my sons dimples. I *love* them - he is so cute with those cheeks! Do I feel *thankful* when I see them? Joyful maybe...thankful? Not so much. Now, I guess I *am* thankful for the joy I feel when I see his dimples and adorable smile, but for the dimples themselves? No. Maybe that's childish. If so, hand me a bottle. I am where I am! :)

I need to take baby steps. I need to be true to myself. God knows my heart, I don't need to fake it, because He knows anyway!

All that being said, I'm going to start my thankfulness list over. I'm going to number because several people are saying it's important to do so, but I haven't finished the book yet so I'm not sure why, lol. I'm going to try to be brutally honest, so it will be short, not flowery like everyone elses, and probably look weird to an outsider - especially the things that will be missing, that I am not ready to be thankful for yet. That's OK, I'm used it it. :) (Actually, that's a lie too. It's not OK. I *hate* being weird.)

Soooooooo...

1. My husband. I see what else is out there and I'm really thankful to have him.

2. Other adoptees who blog and write on message boards and show me that my feelings are not crazy. Who'da thunk as an 8yo that I'd be 42 and still processing my adoption/life? Not me...but I'm not alone... not by a long shot. *Despite* what other people tell me I should think (who don't know what it's like to be adopted but ASSUME they do because they have adopted or know someone who is.) *Ahem* ...off the soap box.

3. Chocolate. Oh how I'll miss you during Lent! :)

4. Netflix.

5. Physics Games

6. Some blue sky after many days of dreary. It's just so must easier to be naturally peppy when the sky is blue. Well, maybe peppy is too strong a word. How about less slothful.

7. How my dh has agreed to let me declutter and change things around here a lot more, even though it might not always be the least expensive or least wasteful way to do things. The freedom I feel from that pronouncement is very liberating. My soul was getting lost in the clutter of years of birthday candles saved and mismatched dinnerware and clothes.

8. When I jokingly told Jeffrey he could match socks instead of play on the computer, Leah piped up truthfully and excitedly, "I will! I'll match socks!" Love it! (of course now they are not matching and only covering themselves with the socks, so ask me in 20 minutes how thankful I really am for that...)

I'll end here. Thanks for reading this rambling post!