Pre-December, ummm, panickings :)

"Musings" or "thoughts" just doesn't do justice to the level of my thoughts lately. :)

I've written and erased a few posts here, the latest one last night. I'll recap for you - I was out waiting for my daughter at church choir practice, in what was supposed to be my first nice QUIET hour of the day, since usually the people there sit at the tables outside the choir room with their phones or some work. But no, THIS day, when I actually stayed instead of running home to get 20 minutes of work done before running back, people are talking.  So, not being one to bow to peer pressure (or, ummm, spill my guts to strangers except on the internet) I took out my ipod and did what I had planned to do -- write a blog post.  The five or so people there were talking about deep stuff, mostly "the good old days", and things got around to "how sad it is that everyone is attached to their phones and 'pods' these days" instead of interacting.

As I sat there writing on my ipod.

Hmph.

Way to make it easier on those shy people, you social beings you! Talk about them in front of their face behind their back.   I know it was nothing personal, but I still felt really uncomfortable.

Anywho - deleted that post and am writing this now!

Fun for a cold day

We've spent the last few weeks cramming standardized test prep down our older girls' throats  I mean, helping them take some tests to see what it's like.  For many reasons, most out of my personal control, we are trying to get both older girls into private (Catholic) school next year.  It's an off year for them - oldest going into 10th and younger into 8th - so their chances are slimmer than if they were just starting high school. But try we will!  My oldest just had a big dyslexia work up also - so she is all tested out! At least after this Saturday she'll have a month break before having to take another, and thankfully easier, test for admittance.  This Saturday is the HSPT which looks to me to be a dyslexics worst nightmare.

As if to drive home my point, between the last paragraph and this one my dd wanted to go over her ISEE math answers.  While my youngest kept pestering for computer time. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

pretty sunrise

So.

I got to the point in my book Feeling and Healing Your Emotions, by Conrad Baars, where the author discussed what a person can actually DO to help herself.  I just had to laugh, and then cry.  Some backstory on the book -- it's an awesome book by a Catholic psychiatrist with an unfortunately hippy sounding title. It's designed to answer questions on what he calls "Emotional Deprivation Disorder" -- what happens when a person grows up not being informed of their innate goodness and worth (note: I don't have all the symptoms on the checklist, like kleptomania, lol!).  Being adopted from a "closed" system, I definitely suffer from this.  My parents were fine parents but their particular "style" combined with being adopted always left me feel like I was walking on eggshells and one step away from something awful and at the same time vague and unidentifiable. So anyway, here are some of the things I'm supposed to be doing, because I don't have anyone in my life who I trust (sorry, dh, it is NOT your fault) to love me unconditionally:

~~ get out in nature. Alone. For large portions of time.  Ummmm, ok, first, alone never happens, second, if it  did, being a woman alone in nature here is a good way to get assaulted.  Third, there is no such thing as "large portions of time" when 6 people need every piece of me in opposing directions at all times.

~~arrange as much as possible for greater silence in my life. HA! HA HA!  Four girls, Dr. Baars, that's all I have to say. I homeschool four girls. Even my son likes to talk all the time. He has great role models! :)

~~ find time do do things that you enjoy, alone (his goal, since we EDD people can't find happiness in people yet, is to find joy in things and experiences, particularly God's gift of nature, and once we become more "whole" in that way we can start loving ourselves and then love others and accept others' love. Well, it sounds MUCH better in the book, lol)

~~ surround yourself with beauty. Did I mention our house is old and our furniture unsightly? Cluttered? Chaotic? I'm tryin' people, I'm tryin!!

~~  Avoid stressful people and situations.  *sigh*  See above.  He goes as far as saying getting a new job is helpful if necessary... yeah, if that were *possible* that might be nice.  My job is 24/7 with no breaks and no getting away from it. My high school reunion two weeks ago was the first time I remember getting away from my "job" for something strictly fun (and not just another part of my "job" like food shopping) since having kids and even though I traveled states away I was gone less than 24 hours. I had to be, because there was work to be done and kids to get places. And we don't even do a lot compared to most families!

~~ Fix problems as soon as they turn up.  Again, out of my control.

Well, those are some examples. I hope the rest of the book deals with what you can do if you can't do these! :)  I have my doubts though.   Some of these things above are the reasons I have wanted SO badly to move ... and now since that is not working, to put the older two in school.  Perhaps if teaching high school is off my plate (and it's a heavy plate with a dyslexic) it will free me up to do more "happy things" with the youngers. Or something.  At least I can give them the attention they need (and get them up to speed in math, lol).

It really is a good book and I recommend his work highly because he comes at things from a very rational and Catholic perspective, and not just the "feel good" modern stuff!

And with that, my post comes to a crashing halt and I need to go make dinner. :)

Love to all of you!