giftedness, creativity, drive, and adoption

Sensitivities and overexitabilities (SP?) of being gifted...

that depressed perfectionist (that's not the right word!) fights with the drive of the gifted

I must create. I worked it out OK when I was having babies - that was creative.

Now my youngest is 5! and I need something hands on again.

Adoption plus living in this society -- I've been brought up to think I'm only good when I'm useful or productive.  Which seems the opposite of creativity in this 1st world country.  I mean, I *could* be creative and make something useful, but just how many crocheted dishcloths or even new hand sewn dresses does a person need?  After doing one or two I'd be done.

And I think that's not even the "creative" I need. I don't need to MAKE, I need to *create*.  I need to bring something into being that wasn't there before, not another copy of something someone else made a pattern for.

Poetry works for this, writing would if I was any better at it ;-P

I *need* to find a *chunk* of time, often, to make this happen. Yeah, right.
Because I can't seem to calm down otherwise. (you know, I HATE HATE HATE those words "calm down" - because it's always what people say to me when I'm just trying to be heard, when they are dismissing me. I hear them and all I think is "SHUT UP AMY" and it makes me so sad.) one cannot create when they are being told to shut up. Because creativity is the opposite of shutting up. So I will use different words.

Because I can't seem to relax and open up to the Divine (there, that has no feeling of *shut up* to me) when every 10 seconds someone is interrupting me, because I can't POSSIBLY have the NEED to have a real complete thought of my own. And all the AP parents reading this just GASPED because of course they are going to interrupt me, I'm a MOM and it's my JOB!  But WHAAAAHHHH I am also gifted, and creative, and oh so very very introverted, and I'm everything to everyone here and I never get a break. I NEED a break. Every day. Silently.  I find I'm getting sicker and sicker without one. But I don't know how to homeschool and get one.  And if we put the kids in private school then I'll have to go back to work and certainly not get one, although I found being a speech-language pathologist for emotionally disturbed school children a much more creative and yes, easier job than I currently have as mom.

  As if to prove this point my 5yo interrupted just now to ask me something he already knows the answer to. He is smart and bored and doesn't know how to play on his own, so when the girls are busy he is SO aimless.  And thinking these "I need a break NOW" thoughts in my head I was less than loving towards him about it.  (no I wasn't awful, just kind of fed up sounding).  But I'm either doing housework/cooking, actively helping someone with school, mothering like the above oh so shameful example, or being wife to a dh that really needs my care and comforting when he's home (and I love to do it!) that I'm doing these things 24/7/365.  I'm only able to write this in fits and snatches between 100 interruptions.

I need more. I need to not be ON 24 hours a day. Really need. Not sure how to get it.