I think I get it now

I was wondering why I was having SUCH a hard time dealing with dh's recent back issues.  Yes, I have more work but honestly, our house is small and there IS enough time in the day to do everything when I put my mind to it.  So what's the big problem? I felt (and feel) like someone has died!

Then I realized - I'm grieving.

I don't do this with my children.  Whether due to God's grace, some weird personality quirk of mine, or walls I've put up due to being adopted, I've *never* really planned out my kids lives in advance and then been grieved when something like an illness or disability has "gotten in the way" of fulfilling that dream. Granted, we don't deal with anything completely life altering like paralysis, but we do have a number of milder issues that have a way of turning one's life upside down. Trust me, I've seen enough women (and men!) weep over the fact that their children or grandchildren have alopecia areata and it's going to change their life forever to know that the grief can be real even for "lesser evils" than a severe disability.

But like I said, I don't do this with my kids, and didn't realize I was doing it with my own life, until my husband could no longer participate in our lives like he used to...and I couldn't (and can't) handle it.

And here's where my writing falls apart because it's hard to cry and type and think at the same time, lol.

I had dreams that when the baby days were over we'd be able to do things together like walk along a beach, hike,  fix up the house,  heck - move altogether, watch him play with the kids in the backyard, kick a ball around with our first son...

I know he wanted these things too, and it kills me that he hurts so both physically and in his own grief.  And selfishly, I've waited all my life to *have the life I wanted* and now it's gone.  And I don't WANT what's in its place.  I don't WANT to do these things anyway and leave dh in the dust at home on the couch.  That's just too sad.  I don't want a sad pitiful life. I want my dreams back.

I'm having a big ol' hairy temper tantrum.   Boy is it so hard to say "Thy will be done" every day.

Carve me deep, Lord - the more joy I will contain.