His Strength

Today I was again trying to figure out why I'm such a weepy mess when dh is struggling with his back issues.  There are many other reasons, but one I came up with is the feeling that I am so weak (mentally, physcially, spiritually) and can't handle the complete responsibility for ab.so.lute.ly. everything that this seems to be putting on me.  It's not so much the physcial work, its the mental responsibility and the never ending "on-call-ness" of a young family that gets me down every time.

I keep crying out to God, telling him how sorry I am that I can't handle this.  I feel guilty, like I am misusing his gifts...you know, "to whom much is given much is expected"?  All my life I have been told how blessed I am - to be adopted (even though that is also a huge grief which is an entire blog of it's own, lol), to have food in my fridge and money, and a house, and to be able to worship with only a few people occasionally making fun of me, instead of being shot at dawn for my beliefs.  So I feel like I should be able to do anything, right? Being so infinitely blessed?

Do you think it's possible that Satan could whisper in my ear about how blessed I am, to pressure me unjustly? Because I'm beginning to think so.

I put SO much pressure on myself to be able to do this. To be strong, to do everything for everyone, to lead when others won't even though it's not supposed to be my "role" (oh, and that is a whole other post in itself - how I feel SO confused - if I lead because dh wants me to, am I sinning? God doesn't gift me to do that, I'm supposed to be the helper.  AHHHHHH!)  But back to the mental breakdown at hand.

But God nudged me this morning, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness."   I am SUPPOSED to be weak. It is not a failing on my part!  My "failing" made me feel like I was sinning in not being able to cope. "I'm sorry God! I can't do great things for you that you expect of me because of my many blessings! Adopt 10 children! Feed all the poor!  I am failing even caring for my own - dh, kids, house, school. Waaahhh! Please don't send me to Hell because I can't handle everything."     Kinda pathetic, right?  The more I felt this way, the more I outright PANIC, and the less I can do every day. 

I *am* weak. I am still the little 6-year-old girl with puddles of tears in my workbooks because my teachers advanced me and I was all alone in doing the work - I had no one to go to for help except the teacher who was busy with the whole rest of the class.  I had questions and needed help and had no where to turn. I feel that way now.  JUST like that now.  

But God says "IT'S OK."   

I shouldn't be sad that I am weak, I should be happy! God does not want ME to succeed, he wants me to be weak so that HE can show His power.  I don't need to panic when I am weepy and unsure, I just need to stick a smile on my face, thank God for his bountiful Love, and say, "Go at it, God, this is your chance to show how great You are!"

I need to be patient because His Power may only be visible in hindsight 10 years from now.   I expect instantaneous miracles, naive and hopeful thing that I am. :)